Condoms Need More Respect

Friday, July 25, 2003

By David Paulsen

Condoms don't get nearly enough press. I can only assume this is because their public relations men are off frolicking in the wilderness or because, by their very nature, they shun the spotlight.

In my mind, they just don't seem to get their due respect.

Turning a condom into a balloon animal at a party, for example, is not a proper or respectful use. And throwing a used condom at a police officer may be funny for a moment but it will cause you – and the condom – much grief down the road.

So let me make the case here for the condom as one of our most essential but least-revered social devices.

Purchasing a condoms is one of a teenage boy's rites of passage. This is not to say that sex makes a boy a man. All those coming-of-age stories about fathers taking their boys to “professionals” for their first sex are best saved for drunken family reunions That dirty laundry should not be aired in polite company. 

But there is a sense of empowerment in the first time one puts aside feelings of awkwardness, faces down the accusatory checkout lady and says, "Yes, I have $5, and I'm not ashamed to spend it on … on … on this thing here, oh, just give me the damn change and stop laughing.”

As we get older, some of the awkwardness subsides.

Whether for beer, cigarettes, condoms or a rotating hot dog, the gas station is a natural stop for twentysomethings with hectic schedules, which is why I was dumbfounded to discover Kwik Trip gas stations don't sell condoms.

That's been Kwik Trip's business philosophy since Don Zietlow and John Hanson founded the La Crosse-based company in 1965.

“There's certainly things that we just don’t want to carry, and condoms is one,” said Gary Gonczy, Kwik Trip’s director of marketing and advertising.

My God! What is this great country coming to when a person can't walk into a gas station and buy some industrial-strength protection, three to a package? Is this a crusade against all things sexual?

“It's more, do we want our kids, young kids, to see it?” Gonczy said. “If it's not something we want our kids to see, we try not to carry it.”

But is there anything inherently salacious about a condom? It's just a piece of rubber, right?

"It would probably be some of the graphics that are described on them. When they talk about stimulating. And things like that." Gonczy said.

The words "ultra sensitive” do give me sort of a tingling feeling. 

Without maverick, condom-selling retailers like Pick 'n Save, County Market. Walgreens and every Riser Mobil Mart, we would be forced to buy our condoms from the dispenser in the men's bathroom at Players bar out on Stewart Avenue, and that's a dangerous path.

One night back when lived in Elmira, N.Y., – I think it was the year 2000 – some friends and I were consuming adult beverages at Patrick's Pub and, just for kicks, I dropped four quarters into the condom dispenser in Patrick's rest room.

Out popped a condom dated 1997, three years expired.

Condoms are nothing to be ashamed of, yet people still feel self-conscious at the purchase. This inevitably leads to what I call condom combos, or unrelated purchases intended to deceive the cashier into thinking the condoms were just another impulse buy or item on the grocery list.

There's the Chips Ahoy chocolate chip cookies and condoms combo.

There's the chewing gum, canned cat food and condoms combo.

I once saw someone buy a box of condoms, a roll of film and some taco mix. (That must have been quite a night.)

Contrary to Kwik Trip's business philosophy, nothing says family values louder than condoms.

Case in point: I once watched a man pass through the supermarket checkout with the ultimate condom combo.

Dozen condoms. Package of diapers.

That was a man who had learned his lesson.

David Paulsen is a reporter at the Wausau Daily Herald. He can be reached at 1-715-845-0663 or dpaulsen@wdhprint.com.